


I Punched A Shark

by akgerhardt



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Buckle up because this is gonna be a wild ride, Dirk has the Jake syndrome (aka everyone thirsts over him) but he doesn’t care, I don't want to spoil it with tags, M/M, Warning for passive suicidal ideation, and FTM PIV sex, but I will say that it involves a merman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-05-20 01:12:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19367224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: [dundundundundundundundun SHARKMAN]This is probably the most traditional fic I've written in a while, but it's still completely apeshit.





	1. Chapter 1

It's not love at first sight so much as "Jumpin' Jehosaphat, that is the lookiest looker ever to look." There's no way this man is real, let alone in front of him. He's not one to stare, but his mind went blank immediately and his world seemed to narrow down to the hunky surfer now gliding down the slopes with skill- long, tan, and handsome, a shredded blond with almost shoulder-length wet hair.

This is exactly how it happens in the movies. All of the distractions surrounding them seem to disappear, raw attraction hitting like the wave that rose behind him while his attention was occupied. It bowls him over, and he falls into the seafoam. It's not even a graceful fall- just the beginning of a surprised curse followed by a crash. Saltwater clogs his ears and would have burned his nose had he not exhaled sharply out of shock. He surfaces, coughing and sputtering as he wipes his face on his already-wet sleeve. He fixes his glasses, and- great, the dude's staring at _him._ How embarrassing! He must look like a buffoon.

He avoids making eye contact, instead busying himself with retrieving his container. To his relief, most of the clams stayed in. He secures the lid and hoists it up, trudging back to the shore. He whips his shirt off since it's clinging uncomfortably and wrings it out before laying it on a rock to dry. He then squats and starts recording the requested aspects of his specimens dutifully, from weight and length to number of rings and so forth. There's another crash seconds into his work, and he whips his head around to find that the dude fell off his board. Ouch. He manages to pull himself up and glides the rest of the way to shore, then lifts it and sticks one end in the sand. Oh, fuck, he's coming over.

     "Hey."

"Howdy!"

     "Just a heads-up, this is a protected area."

"Indeed! I'm here on field work. You know, counting clams and whatnot. Gathering intel for the real scientists!"

     "Shit, that's badass. I've heard about the kinds of mishaps that can happen during research. It's no joke. And, uh, it's way more dangerous alone. I'd say your job is pretty serious."

"Heh, thanks. I'd be inclined to disagree, though. I gravitate towards the less arduous tasks."

     "Right, cool. You- I'm Dirk. You from around here?"

"Hardly! I just moved to the area with my gran a couple of weeks ago. The name's Jake!"

He grins, whipping off a glove to offer a proper handshake. Dirk accepts, albeit awkwardly.

"Those were some sick stunts you were pulling back there!"

     "Nah, that's just basic maneuvers. You wouldn't be impressed if you took a surfing class."

"Pish posh, I know cool shit when I see it! No need to be so modest!"

     "Says the dude who shoved my compliment right back up my ass."

...

"Ok, that's fair… but on that note, your necklace is friggin' sweet! I'd wager you could inflict damage with that impressive incisor."

     "Thanks. Punched a shark for it."

"... No way."

Dirk is faced with a crossroads: go with it, or fess up. Giving the man the impression that he decked a shark will most likely increase his chances of getting laid, but at what cost? Will he have to demonstrate in an emergency situation? What if Jake gets maimed or dies tragically after trying to punch his _own_ shark, either out of heroism or stupidity? He doesn’t think he could live with that.

     "Yeah, I got it at the dollar store. I'm not even sure it's real."

"Criminy, I'll have to scope out the local scene if they have such inexpensive treasures! I admit that I've been laying low since I've settled down here... Perhaps you'd be inclined to show me the ropes?"

     "Hell fucking yes, I'm down anytime."

"That sounds grand!" he grins again, trying to lay on the synthetic confidence and charm while his nerves chafe him in the worst way. He's bungs at socializing, let alone flirting, but, by god, is he trying.

     "Uh, here, is it chill if we exchange digits? I swear on my dick that I won't send nudes."

Jake’s first reaction is panic, and the second is mild disappointment. His response is an unholy amalgamation of the two.

"WELL, FRENCH MY FRIES AND SERVE ME WITH KETCHUP, THAT'S ALL QUITE ALRIGHT IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF! HOT DIGGITY, WHAT FOOL _WOULDN'T_ BE HONORED TO SEE SUCH IMAGERY?! NOT THAT I EXPECT TO!!! I'M BUT A SIMPLE PEASANT AT THE TEMPLE OF APOLLO AND YOU DON'T OWE ME DIDDLYSQUAT! COLOR ME FLATTERED JUST TO BE GRACED BY YOUR EXISTENCE!"

He stops himself and catches his breath, grateful at least that they're alone. The roars of the ocean and shrieks of seabirds fill their silence until Dirk finally speaks.

     "... Wanna fuck?"

"God yes."


	2. Chapter 2

They were able to keep it in their swim trunks long enough for Jake to finish recording those damn clams. The journey back to his place thankfully wasn't long, as there was more than enough awkward small talk to fill a day.

"Aaaand here we are! Home sweet home. Mi casa es tu casa, amigo!"

…

     "Dude, this is a fucking laboratory."

"Right you are! It's a live-in one, though. We're renting it for my gran's work since this is a peak location for observing marine life. She's all over the place studying species and organizing projects and activist endeavors and whatnot. We've been traveling the globe with our dinky solar plane for as long as I can remember!"

             "Oh, hot DAMN! Where'd you find _him?"_

They jump slightly, startled by the woman's sudden appearance. She retrieves a soda from the fridge, kicking back at the table.

"On the shore I was surveying. I, ah- Dirk, this is my gran's "apprentice" and essentially my adopted sister, Roxy!"

             "The pleasure's all mine~ Not to make it weird, but you single?"

     "... I really hate to be like this, but my pants only open for the male variety. I'm flattered, though."

            "Ah, fuck me in the ass. Of course you're gay! ... Sorry. S'just my luck that every hunk I meet is," she laughs. Jake pats her back in an attempt at comfort.

             "Ooh, ooh! That reminds me. I got some more spicy deets about those dolphins," she smirks, waggling her brows. Dirk walks away to scope out the fridge, uninterested in joining their exchange. He's here to smash and dash, not learn about homoerotic mammalian behaviors or attempt to make friends. While the former does sound intriguing, the latter never ends well, and it's a two-for-one deal.

The shelves are crowded with all sorts of junk, but he settles on the pitcher of powerade-lookin' juice, pouring himself a glass. It has no taste, but he doesn’t really think anything of it. He leans against the counter casually as he catches up on Reddit threads, pretending to ignore them. Goddamn, dolphins have high libidos.

             "... Whale, I _betta_ get back to work. Thanks for writin' up the bivalves, b! We should totes-"

She freezes, eyes widening as she stares at the remaining liquid in the glass.

…

     "Uh."

            "Ffffffffffuck!"

     "Sorry? Probably should've asked if I could raid your beverage stash, but I didn't want to interrupt. Seemed like a pretty important conversation."

            "I knew I should've labeled it or somethin', that was dumb. Ughhhh, ok… Don’t freak out, but you drank science juice. And by that I mean JUICE THAT NOBODY HAS ANY BUSINESS DRINKIN'. You should be fine, but Granny's gonna read me the riot act…"

He swallows reflexively, a cold sweat overcoming him.

              "I said no freakin' out! You're not gonna die. If you want, we can give you some peroxide and shit."

He recomposes himself, clearing his throat and taking a deep breath.

     "Nah, I'm good. But why the hell would you keep Science Juice in a normal fridge?"

"Ah, we only have one fridge. Low funds."

              "Yeah. We're always stickin' weird crap in there."

     "Nice."

...

              "Sure you don't wanna upchuck that mysterious mixture? Just to be safe? Maybe you should; I don't even know what's in it..."

He considers doing so, but he feels fine, and he doesn't particularly want to make a scene. He also welcomes death.

     "No, but thanks. It was nice meeting you."

             "Right, right, I'm cockblockin' Bonertown. Don’t forget to equip your safety gear~"

She winks playfully, waltzing off before they can respond in mortification.

"She's a lovely gal… So, ah..."

     "Your room?"

"Righto! It's down this hall."

He follows him, trying to keep his cool. Shit, they are making this happen. It’s not like either hasn't had a plethora of flings, but… something's different this time. He really doesn't want to fuck Jake up with his neuroticism, so he will make every attempt to ollie out post-nut.

Jake unlocks his door and holds it open for him with a grandiose gesture. Dirk feigns indifference, just mumbling a "Thanks."

He apparently inhabits one of the unused rehab rooms, as evident by the large tub full of random bullshit. Dirk looks around bemusedly as he relocks the door and dims the lights, waggling his brows in a manner similar to Roxy’s. It’s clear that they spend a lot of time together.

Dirk discards his few belongings in said tub, then perches on the edge of the inflatable mattress, facing away from Jake as he fishes out his packer.

     "I'm kind of fucking amazed that my boner isn't dead yet. Maybe it's on life support. What do you think, Lil Dicky?

      _Beats me, bro!"_

Jake snort-laughs at the sight of the wiggly apparatus being used as a puppet, dick and balls clapping together like a mouth.

"Well, hello there, little fellow! Are you looking forward to tonight's festivities?"

     "Yeah, all that clam scrutiny really turned me on. The whole time, I was like, "God, I wish that was me. Please inspect my hard exterior. Count my layers of emotional unavailability."

"Kiss me, you fool!"

     "As you wish~"

Jake leans in hesitantly. He's snared by Dirk's limbs and pulled on top of him as he relaxes into the kiss, sighing softly through his nose. That was an excruciating wait, but it was more than worth it. He tugs at his lower lip as Dirk swipes his tongue across Jake’s upper, and they both part while continuing to try to one-up the other, turning it into a sloppy exchange. Dirk still has his legs wrapped around Jake’s waist, keeping the man pinning him against the mattress. It’s a unique dynamic, to say the least. He shudders when Jake trails the hand not propping himself up down Dirk’s jaw to happy trail, the light sensation both electrifying and not enough. Dirk stifles a whine, arching his hips to try to get some friction. Jake breaks the kiss benevolently, bringing his hand back and littering him with gentle nibbles and sucks.

     "F- Fuck… Please-"

He continues his ministrations but gives no attention to anything below the waist, prompting Dirk to release him from his leghold in favor of rubbing his knee against Jake’s boner gently. He almost loses his balance and faceplants onto his tiddy.

"Good gravy!"

...

     "Mm, hot damn... You have such a way with words~ Is your gravy train ready to hit the station?"

"Egads! Are- Are you sure that's your preferred course of action? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable!"

      "I know what I'm about, son. Just put the horse in the stable and call it a night."

He chortles nervously, looking aside.

     "God, you're so fucking cute. Get inside me already."

Jake falls silent in flusteredness, hopping off of him to fumble out of his trunks and tear open the condom package.

     "... Can I?"

He nods, worrying his lip as Dirk pumps him a couple times before sliding it on. He wastes no time in pressing a kiss to the head, earning a muffled reaction from Jake. He locks eyes with him as he slides his lips over the length, slowly reaching the base. He gives him a moment to adjust, and then he sucks, hard, swallowing.

"Aah!"

He makes a pleased hum, continuing his ministrations until he's thoroughly wet. Jake groans as he slides off, wiping his mouth.

     "I trust you can take the reins from here. Or do you want to share the saddle? I wouldn't mind riding your-"

"For god's sake, stop making me think about equines!"

He smirks, poking Jake’s dick with his toe while he's preoccupied with pulling his shirt off. He flails briefly, giving an indignant glare once he's free.

     "What? Not a foot guy? I can respect that."

"I think I like you better when your mouth's full," he quips.

     "Most people do."

Jake frowns at that, shooting him an uncertain glance.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it. I was just-"

     "It's fine. I can’t help bein' a sex god."

"Beg pardon, but you're just a stinky human like the rest of us with plenty more endearing traits, I'm sure!"

     "Nope, and compliments deflate my noodle. Better hurry it along, man."

"No, you're concerning me! You don’t seem to value yourself as a person..."

     "Do you?"

…

     "Shit, I'm sorry. No more self-loathing here, at least not tonight. Pinky promise."

He nods reluctantly, shaking pinkies before positioning himself between Dirk’s legs. He dives back in to kiss him, softly this time. Dirk is caught off-guard by the sentimentality behind it, cupping his cheekbone shakily as he tries to reciprocate. Fuck, no. No emotions, no attachment. He can't let his monstrous side ruin this poor sap or drive him away. Part of him wants to cry, but he can't trigger pity and kill the mood. Instead, he wraps his arms around him tightly, getting more invested in the physicality of the moment. When they part, he trails a hand down his side, and Jake kisses him all over, again with that hesitant, genuine sweetness. _Goddammit…_

His breath catches as Jake traces circles with his thumbs on his inner thighs, kissing below his navel. He looks up for permission before palming his crotch, watching his reactions intently for direction. Dirk keens, legs trembling as he continues.

     "You… can go in…"

Carefully, he parts the folds, spreading his warm slickness to his clit before sliding a digit in. Dirk moans, gripping at the cheap bedding as he gets him ready, rubbing at his clit and walls and working him to the brink like he did Jake. He's a throbbing, begging mess when Jake finally lines his cock up, pressing in much faster than he intended to when Dirk wraps his legs around him again and pulls him forward. Dirk sighs in satisfaction, becoming more vocal as they establish a rhythm. He clings to his shoulders as they thrust closer to the edge, squeezing around Jake in pure ecstasy when he peaks. Jake follows shortly after, then slowly pulls out, disposing of the jizz balloon and cleaning off before collapsing beside him. For several minutes, they just cool down and catch their breaths, hearts racing. Dirk’s first coherent thought is the conclusion that he's fucked. There's no way he can discipline himself enough to decline getting dicked down again. Maybe he can keep his distance until-

Jake snuggles closer, pecking his lips and murmuring goodnight. Dirk’s mind gives him a reprieve as he cuddles against him, acquiring his preferred position of little spoon.

Sometimes, he wishes he could just let himself be happy.


	3. Chapter 3

Jake wakes abruptly when he's whapped by a solid, rubbery thing with a razor-sharp surface. It happens again while he's trying to get his bearings, knocking him off the already-deflated mattress. _What in the devilfucking Dickens-_

"DIRK!!!"

Having just woken up and been thrust into a surreal panic, he isn't exactly thinking straight. He's not even sure he stopped dreaming.

The Sharknado is real, and one of the assailants somehow broke into the lab and ate Dirk. That's the only logical explanation.

"HANG IN THERE, BUDDY, I'LL SAVE YOU! COUGH HIM UP, VILE BEAST!!!"

The shark is just flopping around like a fish out of water, wiggling its head and tail desperately. Jake musters his courage and socks it right on the nose. It’s a solid uppercut, and the shark stops moving, dazed. Holy shit. Dirk will be- Wait…  

The puzzle pieces jam together like an impatient child is trying to force their picture to completion, and Jake gapes, covering his mouth. The somewhat horrifying process of de-Animorphing happens right there and then. Dirk starts screaming approximately two seconds after reversion. Jake joins him. Dirk screams his way to his discarded belongings, dressing hastily and then dashing away as Jake follows in hot pursuit, still ass-naked and screaming. He tries to unlock the door in vain, then ducks when Jake attempts to tackle him.

     "STAY BACK, I'M DANGEROUS!"

"DIRK, JUST CALM DOWN; I'M SURE WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT! STOP, DON'T LEAVE!!!"

Dirk ignores him in favor of prying open the window and launching himself out of it. Jake screams for an entirely different reason, but he sticks a superhero landing, gets up, and keeps running.

     "I'M SORRY!!!"

Jake’s heart is going a mile a minute as he shakes with adrenaline. Roxy and his grandma are rattling the doorknob, begging him to open it. He pulls on pants and does so, looking like a wreck. There are dozens of tiny scratches where Dirk’s scales grazed him.

They try to sit his ass down with a first aid kit, but he won't let them.

"... This is the sort of nonsense that only happens in children's shows! How did you even _make_ shark juice, Gran?!"

                   "It's not "shark juice!" It's a CRISPR virus that can hopefully turn Mako sharks poisonous and stop humans from hunting them. Each embryo's genes were successfully modified, so I thought I'd try making an edible mixture for the wild adults. I wasn't planning on... _this!_ I didn't think it was possible; it makes absolutely no sense..."

"... Well, what do we do?! We have to help him!"

                  "I don't know; I need time! And him. I can't help him if he's not here."

"I'll find him! Just hang tight."

He darts off, followed closely by Roxy. He tries to do the cool thing in movies where they hop the railing to save time, but it goes completely fucking pear-shaped. That's going to leave a nasty bruise. He gets to his feet, running like a madman in the direction Dirk was. Roxy has much more stamina than him, though, and soon he's struggling to keep up with her.

"I just... need… a minute," he pants, doubled over. It’s too dark to see much, and, even if Dirk can hear their calls, he sure as hell has no intention to heed them.

             "How're we gonna convince him to come back? Lay a trail of Xtreme Flavored-Blasted Goldfish? … What? He's totes the kinda guy who likes that shit."

"... Yes, he does strike me as the artificial cheese type. But he… He was afraid of hurting me. Probably because he already delivered some scratches unintentionally… By gum, if only he wasn't so obtuse. He's the one in danger!

DIRK, I AM GOING TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO PHYSICAL HARM BY SEARCHING FOR YOU UNTIL I COLLAPSE FROM EXHAUSTION. DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BAD? LET'S JUST HAVE A NICE SITDOWN INSTEAD AND SORT THINGS OUT, ALRIGHT? PLEASE!"

…

He sighs, shoulders slumping as he trudges back. Roxy pats his back comfortingly, assuring him that they'll resume their search in the daylight. He waits until they're asleep again, then sneaks out with a backpack and leaves a note by the front door just in case. He's equipped with real clothes, food and water, a flashlight, batteries, and his phone and solar charger, along with other miscellaneous supplies, including a goddamn wetsuit. He has to expect the unexpected, after all. Years of not doing so taught him to heed his grandma's wisdom.

He treks in the same direction as before, trying to think like a suddenly cursed and fearful soul. Hrmm… If he was a sharkman, where would he go? Not to civilization. Maybe the ocean? It’s worth a shot.

Sure enough, there are trampled dunes along the path the further he travels, and then he finds himself on a rocky slope near the shore they met at. After a slip and skinned knee, he makes it to the bottom, eventually finding a cavelike entrance to the underlying boulder. He considers knocking, then realizes it would result in inaudible knuckle-gnashing. He takes a breath and calls out.

"Dirk? You in here, my fine fishy fellow?"

…

He steps in hesitantly, shining the flashlight around until he finds him. He's in the corner with his knees to his chest and face buried in his folded arms, breathing heavily. It hurts more than all of those superficial injuries combined. He approaches slowly, trying to keep a calm, soothing voice.

"I swear, we're going to make this right. Everything will be fine! Please, just relax…"

He tenses as Jake places a hand on his shoulder, then begins to stroke his back. Dirk shudders, starting to make a sort of half-gasp, half-sob.

"It's going to be ok, I promise. Listen, we're in this together!"

     "... Jake."

"Hm?"

     "I turned into a fucking _shark."_

"Yes. That must have been an awfully frightening experience."

He looks out over the moonlit sea in silence for a moment. They're sheltered from the wind, but it echoes with the crashing waves.

     "It only makes sense that I'm the deadliest creature here."

...

"I hate to be a wiseguy, but sharks are far less dangerous than humans. They’re crucial to the ecosystem, and the only times they bite folks are when they mistake them for their brand of food! Granted, I might have panicked a bit earlier and thought you ate yourself before I realized you were you-"

     "- but now I pose a physical threat, so it's easier to drive people away like this. Might be a blessing in disguise; a dude like me needs to wear caution tape," he jokes.

"... Forgive me for being obtuse, but I haven't the slightest clue what you're prattling on about."

     "It doesn't matter… Listen, I'm way too fucked up for you."

"Hogwash! I'll have you know that I'm plenty fucked up, thanks much, and I take offense to the notion that you're a bad person."

...

     "This is my fate- I hurt people, and I never deserved a normal life. I'm going to spend the rest of my days here, and, if you value your safety, you'll leave."

"Nope and nada!"

     "For fuck's sake, Jake," he mutters, closing his eyes.

"... Do you have family? I'm sure they'll be worried sick."

     "... My bro is busy with work, so he's barely around these days. He's under the impression that I'm a well-adjusted young adult, and I don't want him to have to put up with my bs. I have no business bein' clingy, especially not now."

Jake just wraps his arms around him, nuzzling the crook of his neck.

"Please come home with me. It’s cold and dark, and you're making me sad."

He indulges himself enough to reciprocate the embrace, resting his chin atop Jake’s head.

     "Sorry, man, no can do. Not gonna happen."

"Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase."

     "I have to be prepared to transform at the worst possible time. Jake, I could have scratched your dick. Do you understand the severity of this situation?"

"... I understand. But, if you must stay, so will I."

     "Nope. Get your ass back to the mad scientist lair before they start worrying."

Jake sighs, smushing his face into his tiddy.

…

"I'll return first thing tomorrow, and you're going to take my overnight junk, at least. There's a decent zipper cocoon in there."

     "... Thank you."

He leaves reluctantly after trying to be cute and fall asleep in his lap. Dirk wasn't having it, waking him with mild annoyance. His heart feels heavy, but he's relieved that he found Dirk more or less alright.

He comes back with Roxy in the morning, but, naturally, Dirk had abandoned the location, leaving all of his belongings behind.

"Consarn it!"

             "Fuckin' great, now what?"

"M- Maybe he's just gone for a quick jog? I say we wait!"

             "He ain't joggin' ass-naked."

…

She points out the overlooked clothespile. It can only mean one thing.

"Oh, for frig's flippin' sake..."


	4. Chapter 4

He may feel like the same person, but he sure as hell isn't. This is his life now, and he needs to adapt. 

Somehow, he has the fishy instincts down pat- once he's in the water, he can swim just fine. He's also really, really fucking fast. He almost forgets about his existential crisis altogether because he's having that much fun. In fact, he can't remember the last time he felt so free. Sharks don't have to socialize; they don't have to do jackshit except survive. Maybe this is who he was meant to be all along.

The only issue is food. He has to be over ten feet long, so that's a lot of fish... He feels sorry for them, but it's the circle of life, right? Jake said that sharks stabilize the ecosystem. It still bugs him, though. 

He gets a hankering for the first octopus he sees, which wasn't the best impulse to act on. All of his catches end up escaping unharmed, which is an experience. Right, he has teeth for a reason... At least he can stop dwelling on this moral quandary for the time being, because he lost his appetite along with his meal. 

He cruises without a care for hours upon hours, just existing. It’s objectively nice living this way. He's content with his fate. 

After a long while, guilt begins to plague his subconscious over the nerds, so he checks up on his hideout and finds them just… sitting around, waiting for him. Fucking great. 

His dumb fin gives him away, and Roxy spots him almost immediately. He never should've bothered. Jake pulls on his gloved wetsuit and runs clumsily into the ocean, flailing in his direction. It’s kind of funny to watch, and he's in no hurry, since he can zoom away in a flash. Shit, the dude's in up to his shoulders and still going. Dirk takes pity on him and closes the distance. He makes no attempt to touch him, but the bastard was apparently prepared for shark-huggin', because that's exactly what he's doing now. Dirk doesn't dare move until he's fucking sitting on top of him like he's ready to ride off to some aquatic adventure. It dawns on him that the wetsuit is somehow adequate protection against his scales, as evident by the lack of carnage. He allows himself to relax, resuming his swimming to stay afloat. Yep, this is definitely a thing that is happening now. He feels kind of badass, to be honest. 

Soon, Roxy joins in a matching suit, but he's too big for them to really weigh him down. They're having a hell of a fun time. Maybe he can maintain friendships now that he can't fuck them up with his human antics. 

"I knew you'd come back, old boy. This is grand!"

              "He was 'bouta cry before you showed up. Which was, like, five minutes after we got there, so don’t feel bad."

"He probably can't hear us underwater, so we should drop it! He might not even have the same noggin. Ah, listen, Dirk? … There has to be a way to communicate."

             "I'll go grab my dolphin flashcards."

"That's brilliant!!!" 

She points to the shore and hops back into the water once they're close enough, leaving him stuck with an overly-affectionate Jake. He can't deny that he enjoys the scritches, though. Jake uses the privacy to speak without reservations.

"I know I just met you less than a day ago, but I won't let you be sad and alone for the rest of your endangered life. Which won't be a long one, mind you! You'll be dead by thirty!"

Dirk welcomes that with open fins. Good thing he can't say it aloud.

"We… took the liberty of using your cell to call your brother, but we didn't tell him everything! Just that you had an accident of the laboratory variety. Hopefully, we'll have you back to normal before-"  

He bucks, knocking Jake off and ollieing out. Jake surfaces indignantly, sputtering. 

"LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT YOU CAN'T JUST SWIM AWAY FROM YOUR PEOPLE PROBLEMS, MAN! NOT THAT I WOULDN'T DO THE SAME IN YOUR FLIPPERS, BUT- OH, _C'MON!"_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Yet another unedited chapter. Rest assured that I have no fucking clue what I'm doing or where I'm going with this.)

             "We can use the fishies to lure him over, and then I'll nab him with a tracker tag!"

"No, no! He needs to be able to trust us..." 

             "You got any better ideas?"

"None whatsoever."

             "... We're just gonna sit here and wait for him to swim it off, huh?"

"I suppose that's the name of the game. He's too freakin' fast…"

He does return, eventually, but for a different reason. He hoists himself up onto the rocky shore, resting his head on his arms and heaving a sigh.

     "I've come to the conclusion that my genes are almost as unstable as me."

…

"Whoa momma."

             "Man, you really had me run all the way back to grab flashcards when you coulda just talked?"

     "Sorry. Uh, I have no fucking idea how to control shifts... They just happen. The half-and-half thing is new, though." 

...

             "No hetero, but you look fine as hell."

"I second that."

     "Great, a pair of fish fuckers. Awesome."

             "Ew, no, I meant 'cause you're a friggin' MERMAN now. There's a huuuuge diff."

     "Whatever you say. 

...

      I'm still freaking out over the fact that you told Dave. Knowing him, he's probably halfway here already and standing up a bunch of disappointed fans."

"... Fans?" 

     "Right, I never told you. We're Striders. Don't like to flaunt my connections, because I'd rather earn bonafide bones than hook up with dudes who just want a brush with fame or whatever."

...

"Your bro is  _ Dave Strider?!"  _

__ "Excellent deduction skills. You can nut over cinematography and get his autograph or whatever when he's here, but can we not delve into it now? I'm fucking starving…" 

He gazes longingly at the carton of Xtreme Flavor-Blasted Goldfish. Roxy flashes a grin at Jake as if to say she fuckin' called it, then tosses some into the water like one might feed a seagull. He looks offended. 

     "Seriously." 

Jake tries to throw one up for him to catch in midair. He lets it fall, not willing to interrupt his sunbathing by further disgracing himself.

"Can you do the flippy dolphin thing?" 

     "No? I don’t know. Stop with the microaggressions and just give me the damn crackers." 

Roxy complies mercifully, and he tilts the spout into his mouth, crunching. 

     "... Thanks." 

"In all seriousness, though, I didn't think it was possible for you to become more attractive, and yet here you are. Hot _diggity."_

      "That's subjective. You probably have some fetish packed away and buried deep in the closet of your subconscious." 

"Probably," he agrees. 

             "I dunno, I think you're p objectively a bombshell. Like, the pointy teeth and gills are prolly kinks, yeah, but the whole shebang is boner-inducing. Even vanilla schmucks would be seduced by your siren song~"

     "I don't get why you'd want to fuck a shark, though. Not kinkshaming- you just... you just can't. It'd be like sticking your dick in an industrial paper shredder, no matter how you go about it."

They both wince reflexively. 

              "... Eh, you’re still hot. A gal can dream," she sighs. 

…

             "Oh, yeah, I brought  _ Go Fish  _ in case we got stuck waiting in awkward silence 'til the Real Adults show up- like we are rn. Wanna play a couple rounds~?" 

     "Hell fucking yes."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unedited, as per usual. Thanks for stickin' out this shitfest- if you have any suggestions, feel free to comment lol

They're playing poker with the ironic marine candies Roxy brought by the time Bro and Grandma arrive. Dirk had refused to use his cheesy treasures, practically inhaling them so the others couldn't pilfer. To be fair, it's his only inanimate food source at the present- the Swedish Fish kept getting stuck in his pointy teeth, and then he almost choked on one of the gummy sharks that he was overly-enthusiastically swallowing whole. Once he recovered, he quipped about deciding that cannibalism wasn't his thing in an attempt to hide his embarrassment and justify not risking a recurrence. Whatever, he's finally full and making up for the fuckton of calories he burned. He feels a lot better now, and he's content to chill with them on his warm rock. Is this how socializing works? Just dickin' around and making bad jokes? He thinks he can manage that much.

Dave starts running downhill as soon as he sees them, almost tripping a couple times and getting sand in his fancy dress shoes. He then kneels on the rock, getting his equally expensive pants dirty, wrapping his arms around Dirk, and lifting him several inches up, an impressive feat considering how heavy his tail is.

                   "My poor, sweet baby bro, I never should've abandoned you! What do you need? A lift? Therapy? Dorito puffs? An-"

     "Mmf- Don't touch the grey shit without protection. I'm fine, I swear."

                   "I'm so, so sorry for leaving you here to fend for yourself-"

     "Dude, we're multimillionaires. I can "fend" for myself just fine."

The others gape in shock, as their cumulative funding is nowhere near that much.

                   "Money can't buy happiness unless you're poor. Lil man, my dude, you’re strugglin' with bein' a _Jaws_ extra and I had no fuckin' clue. I failed you as a guardian, so it's up to me to-"

      _"Dave._ I'm a grown-ass adult; I can take care of myself. It’s not your fault that I'm a depressed bastard making questionable life decisions- you've been nothin' but supportive my whole life. For fuck's sake, I'm the one who kept telling you to go. And I still want you to; you're allowed to have your own life and do what you want. It’s up to me to ask for help if I need it."

Dave releases him to dry his eyes, and he slips back into the water with a splash.

                   "I'm here for you now, ok? Is this the "new" you? Are you a… finny? Is that the right word? Just tell me what to say and do to be sugoi and shit. I gotta lot to learn, but you can teach this ol' dawg new tricks."

…

     "Holy shit, I missed you."

                   "I missed you, too, son. It’s gonna be ok," he sniffles.

There's a long silence as they hug it out, and Grandma waits until they're done to speak.

                         "Soooo… none of this was intentional! When I get him back to the lab we can run some tests and figure out if it's possible to undo."

     "Uh, that's not necessary.

…

     I mean, I appreciate you all givin' a shit about my wellbeing, but, really, I'm fine. Better than fine. The only thing I'd want to accomplish is learning how to control the shifts."

…

                          "Yes, I suppose that's fair. We'll need to keep an eye on you for a bit and make sure you know what you're doing before we can let you go, but staying this way is well within your right! Just try not to get caught by the feds or fishers, or, well... It would be best if no one else knew about your condition, to be honest."

     "Sounds good; I don't plan on becoming the local cryptid attraction."

             "Makes sense to me. S'like you have superpowers now or some shit; who'd wanna give _that_ up?" Roxy smirks.

"Oh man, you'll be like Aquaman!!! Maybe you can commune with other sharks!"

             "They're not v social and they don't take orders from each other, but that'd be fuckin' wild…"

      "I don't think I can speak shark. Sorry to disappoint."

                   "Dirk, I support you so goddamn much. If you wanna be a shark, you BE a shark! This is the opposite of a bad life decision and we're behind you a thousand percent."

     "... You want me to act in your movies."

                    "Abso-fucking-lutely I do. Only if you wanna, though. We can keep it lowkey, hire these nice dweebs as your "trainers" and just con everyone into thinkin' you're a plain ol' shark who does all sorts of wild shit. Like, I don’t give a fuck about wealth or fame and I have way too much of both as is, but art- irony- Dirk, you could breathe life into the most assbackwards films of all time. Think about it. Just think about it."

     "I'll do that; thanks."

"Mister Strider, I would gladly don a shark costume for the opportunity to contribute to one of your cinematic masterpieces!!!"

                        "Maybe... Heh, fuck CGI and makeup though- a Left Shark suit is where it's at."

Jake nods with an eager grin, eyes practically sparkling. Dirk imagines that his bro could say "pee is stored in the balls," and Jake would be blown away by his words, proclaiming him a comedic genius. He'd probably mean it, too.              


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, another unedited chapter.

They made a fun beach day out of waiting for Dirk to shift forms, but come dusk he was still half-and-half. After ensuring that the coast was clear, they got him into a dolphin sling and hoisted him up the hill, back to the lab. He objected to it, of course, but didn't put up a fight. Sleeping on a rock in dark water wasn't exactly an appealing prospect. 

         "Hey, could be worse."

He glances up, raising a brow at Roxy as he wrings a sponge full of saltwater over his gills.

     "How so? Please, enlighten me. I'm dying for your scholarly insight."

          "You don't gotta be so extra, yeesh!" she giggles. "I'm just sayin', what if the halves were reversed and we had to haul you out ass-naked with a shark head?"

...

He cracks up at that image, like she took a wrecking ball to his wall of emotional repression. The others are laughing, too (mostly Jake), but he's practically wheezing, tearing up over the hilarity. In his defense, it’s been a fuckin' long and tumultuous two days.

            "Shit, I should be a comedian."

      "Yes. Yes, you should."

Dave is ko'd on the couch within minutes of affirming Dirk’s wellbeing, and Grandma heads off soon after, because she's tired and old. That leaves the three would-be college students to an unsupervised Mariokart session. They intended to proceed onto Super Smash Bros and Roxy’s amalgamation of a video game, but they, too, find themselves falling asleep after a few races. Roxy makes Dirk promise to play the rest with them sometime and then stumbles off, scratching her hot pink boxers as her flip-flops smack against the dusty cement floor. 

Jake waits until the door is closed, then turns to him with a mischievous smirk.

      "... What."

"I've been analyzing the data, and I found a solution to our conundrum!"

      "A solution to- Jesus Christ, dude." 

He waggles his brows as he waltzes over to his pile of junk, then rifles around for [a different suit to don.](https://www.ecosia.org/images?q=dry+suit#id=_)

"It’s a rental since they're a bit pricey, but rest assured that this baby is equally immune to your scales! It's just... cozier than the wet suit, and dry."

      "... You’re shitting me. Are you really that thirsty? How would you even..."

"Oh! No, no, I'm not trying to destroy my banoodle. But if you- er, that is to say, I can... You know what? Maybe another time."

      "Good call, fishfucker... Though, I am curious. Were you actually looking for some action?"

"Nooooo. I just don't want to leave a bro all by his lonesome in a dingy tub all night. You'll get cold, and- and... Look, do you want to get your snuggle on or not?"

...

      "Ok, I take it back. That's straight-up adorable... As long as you don't get pruney and hypothermic in here."

"The gear protects against all that jazz! ... So, may I?"

      "Hell fucking yes. But don't blame me if your back's screwed up in the morning."

"I won't; Scout's Honor."

He climbs up and settles in with minor difficulty, laying his head on Dirk’s chest. Dirk sighs contently, curling around him more and appreciating his body heat. 

...

      "It’s actually pretty comfortable, for a tub. I mean, the pillow helps, but still."

Jake hums in acknowledgement, eyes closed. 

      "... Hey, thanks. For everything. I'm sorry for putting you through this."

Jake musters the energy to nuzzle closer, placing a smooch on his tiddy. Shit, this is probably the most intimate Dirk has ever been. He feels like a flustered anime schoolgirl. 

"No prob, Bob. Gnite..." 

Dirk is very much awake and longing for his phone as per his usual insomniac ways, but Jake soon wins him over to sleep.


End file.
